


Holden's Guilty Pleasure.

by sagelabyrinth



Category: Mindhunter (TV 2017)
Genre: Holden is an attention whore, IMSORRY, IT'S LONG, Panic Attacks, i can't end stories my bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-09-23 21:51:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20347294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sagelabyrinth/pseuds/sagelabyrinth
Summary: Uhm my headcanon of Holden Ford since I like it when characters are vulnerable





	Holden's Guilty Pleasure.

Holden would never admit it, but he liked it when people worried about him. After his panic attack at the hospital, he enjoyed the attention it brought him.  
He definitely was not faking his attacks, but he has, guiltily, thought of doing so.  
Perhaps a therapist would suggest that Holden does this because no one cared much for him as a child.

Sure he had his mother, but she was too busy with trying to keep his father happy than worry about him.  
In childhood, Holden often stayed after class to help out his teachers so they'd like him.  
His constant yearning for attention was, most of the time, subconscious.

Sometimes he'd ask dumb questions just so Wendy or Bill would explain something more in-dept to him, and spend more time around him.  
To his knowledge, they never caught on

Holden's panic attacks, while terrifying and inconvenient, gave him an excuse to be cared for.

One time Wendy found him in an alcove under the staircase, curled up in a ball on the floor. He had tears running down his face. He barely even noticed her standing there. But he soon realized when he felt her hand touch his back.

"Holden? Holden? It's Wendy." She stated, concern growing in her voice, "Holden? What's wrong?"

He tried to answer, he really did, but he couldn't. She stayed there, rubbing his back and instructing him to breathe until he could compose himself. After he calmed down, she asked again what was wrong.

Holden explained he got another card from Kemper, a "see you soon." The card brought up feelings of his breathing being constricted by Kemper's embrace, which in return, brought up a panic attack.

Holden pathetically apologized to Wendy for wasting her time, to which she just scoffed.

For the next few days, Wendy would be extra mindful to ask him how he was feeling and if he was okay. Holden loved it. The feeling of being cared about. Though she didn't tell him so, Holden knew Wendy had spoken to Bill about his episode. He could tell because Bill was especially soft towards Holden, even inviting him to dinner that week. Holden didn't mind that Wendy had told Bill, he liked the attention.

Holden would also adopt some of his childhood mannerisms, such as rocking on his heels and holding his earlobe while reading, just to seem more vulnerable to those around him. He knew it was odd, and it made him feel a bit ashamed to be a grown man acting in such a way, but he didn't care. In the interrogation room, he'd be the exact opposite, which confused his colleagues. They never questioned as to why he did that, though, they just carried on their routines and adopted it as their new normal.

When Holden called out sick to work for the third day in a row, Wendy and Bill both felt a tinge of worry in their stomachs. When they both had free time, they went over to Holden's apartment.

After they knocked but got no answer, Wendy used the spare key Holden gave her.

When they walked in, they saw the mess of the place. Folders were thrown across the floor, empty beer bottles scattered around, but not a Holden in sight.

They cautiously walked around, looking as to where he could be. They finally decided to open the closed door at the end of the hall. They slowly peered in to see Holden there on his bed, curled up, with dried tears on his face.

"Holden?" Bill asked, nervously looking over to Wendy. Holden continued to lay there, breathing slowly.

"Holden?" He repeated as Wendy and he inched closer to the bed.

Holden looked up to them, his eyes glossy and lost-looking.

"Hey, kid," Bill started, "we just wanted to check up on you." Holden didn't say anything. "Holden, what's happened?" Wendy asked in her nurturing voice.

"My mom." Holden croaked, his voice hoarse from a mixture of crying and not having spoken in days.

"What about her?" Bill questioned.

"She died." Holden stated matter-of-factly.

"Shit." Bill muttered. Wendy shot him a serious look and turned back to Holden, "I'm sorry for your loss. Would you like to talk about it?"

Holden lazily shook his head in response, he was exhausted. Both Wendy and Bill could see the younger agent hadn't slept in days.

"Holden?" Wendy asked softly, to get his attention, "How about you sleep? I know how tired you are." She more stated than asked.

"I can't," Holden replied dryly, "I have to make the funeral plans."

"I can do that for you, kid." Bill kindly stated, Holden looked up to him, confused as to why he would offer, "I arranged my mother's funeral, so I know how difficult that can be. I can make the plans, you just get some rest, okay?"

Holden nodded. The older two started to get up as Holden gave a quiet "Wait," They both looked to him, "could one of you stay?" he asked so innocently.

"Yeah, I can arrange that." Wendy said.

Holden loved the idea of Wendy staying with him.

After Bill had made the funeral plans, he flew to Brooklyn to lay his mother to rest. Wendy and Bill both accompanied him, making sure he came back in once piece.

Holden thanked Bill continuously for all he'd done. Finally, Bill had to tell the kid to put a sock in it, which made Holden smile.


End file.
